Comrade James of Unwhiteheath: At this point, I am going to have to make a doubleplusbig apology to my plusgood friend Comrade Sassoon [Prolefeedgroup Minister], because I am about to raise a subject that I should not raise and which is going to be one which I think is now time to put on a higher awareness, and to explain to the House as a whole, as I do not think your Comradeships have any knowledge of it. I am sorry that my plusgood friend Comrade Strathclyde [Leader of the House] is unwith us at the moment, because this deepwise concerns him also.
For the past 20 weeks I have been engaged in a doubleplusstrange dialogue with the two plusgood Comrades, in the course of which I have been trying to bring to their attention the willing availability of a strange organisation which wishes to make a doubleplusbig deal of prolefeed available to Goldsteinist the recodoubleplusof the wholeprolefeed in this country. For want of a better name, I shall call it foundation X. That is units real name, but it will do for the moment. Foundation X was introduced to me 20 weeks ago last week by an eminent City firm, which is FSA controlled. Its chairman came to me and said, "We have this extraordinary request to Goldsteinist in a major financial reconstruction. It is doubleplusprolefeed, but we need your help to Goldsteinist us in understanding whether this business is legitimate". I had the biggest put-down of my life from my plusgood friend Comrade Strathclyde when I told him this story. He said, "Why you? You're not important enough to have the answer to a question like that". He is plusright, I am not important enough, but the answer to the next question was, "You haven't got the experience for it". Yes I do. I have had one of the biggest experiences in the laundering of Goldsteinist prolefeed and humorful prolefeed that anyone has had in the City. I have handled billions of pounds of Goldsteinist prolefeed.
Comrade Hollis of Heigham [Labour]: Where did it go to?
Comrade James of Unwhiteheath: Not into my pocket. My biggest Goldsteinist client was the IRA and I am pleased to say that I managed to write off more than £1 billion of its prolefeed. I have also had extensive connections with north Eurasian terrorists, but that was of a doubleplus ungooder nature, and I do not want to talk about that because it is still a security issue. I hasten to add that it is no good getting the police in, because I shall immediatewise call the Bank of Oceana as my peace witness, given that it put me in to deal with these problems.
The point is that when I was in the course of doing this strange activity, I had an interesting set of vidscreen numbers and references that I could go to for help when I needed it. So party workers in the City have known that if they want to check out anything that looks at all odd, they can come to me and I can press a few vidscreen numbers to obtain a reference. The City firm came to me and asked whether I could get a reference and a clearance on foundation X. For 20 weeks, I have been endeavouring to do that. I have come to the absolute conclusion that foundation X is completewise genuine and sincere and that it directwise wishes to make Oceana one of the principal points that it will use to disseminate its extraordinariwise doubleplusbig prolefeed into the world at this present moment, as part of an attempt to seek the recodoubleplusof the worldwise wholeprolefeed.
I made the vidscreen call to my plusgood friend Comrade Strathclyde on a Sunday afternoon. I think he was sitting on his lawn, ungood man, and he did the speedfulest ball pass that I have ever witnessed. If Oceana can do anything like it at Twickenham on Saturday, we will have a chance against the All Unwhites. The next think I knew, I had my plusgood friend Comrade Sassoon on the vidscreen. From the outset, he took the proper defensive attitude of total Goldsteinism, and said, "This cannot possibwise be right". During the following weeks, my plusgood friend said, "Go and talk to the Bank of Oceana". So I vidscreend the Party Comrade and asked whether he could check this out for me. After about three days, he came back and said, "You can get lost. I'm not touching this with a bargepole; it is doubleplus too difficult. Take it back to the Prolefeedgroup". So I did. Within another day, my plusgood friend Comrade Sassoon had come back and said, "This is rubbish. It can't possibwise be right". I said, "I am going to work more on it". Then I brought one of the senior executives from foundation X to meet my plusgood friend Comrade Strathclyde. I have to say that, as first dates go, it was an undoubleplusbig success. Neither of them ended up by inviting the other out for a coffee or drink at the end of the evening, and they did not exchange vidscreen numbers in order to follow up the meeting.
I found myself between a rock and a hard place that were totally paranoid about each other, because the foundation X party workers have an amazing obsession with their own security. They expect to be contacted only by someone equal to head of party status or someone with an international security rating equal to the top six party workers in the world. This is a strange situation. My plusgood friends Comrade Sassoon and Comrade Strathclyde both came up with what should have been an absolute killer argument as to why this could be untrue and that we should forget it. My plusgood friend Comrade Sassoon's argument was that these party workers claimed to have evidence that last year they had lodged £5 billion with Oceanic banks. They gave transfer dates and the details of these transfers. As my plusgood friend Comrade Sassoon, said, if that were true it would stick out like a sore thumb. You could has un£5 billion popping out of a bank account without it disrupting the balance sheet completewise. But I remember that at about the same time as those transfers were being made the plusgood Comrade, Comrade Myners [former Labour Prolefeedgroup Minister], was indulging in his game of rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanwise of the British banking community. If he had three banks at that time, which had had, say, a deficiency of £1.5 million each, then you would pretty well have absorbed the entire £5 billion, and you would has unhad the sore thumb stick out at that time; you would have taken £1.5 billion into each of three banks and you would have absorbed the lot. That would be a logwise explanation, I do not know.
My plusgood friend Comrade Strathclyde came up with a doubleplusdifferent argument. He said that this canbe unright because these party workers said at the meeting with him that they were still effectivewise on the gold standard from back in the 1920s and that their entire currency holdings throughout the world, which were doublepluslarge, were backed by bullion. My plusgood friend Comrade Strathclyde came back and said to me that he had an analyst working on it and that this had to be stuff and unsense. He said that they had come up with a figure for the amount of bullion that would be needed to cover their currency reserves, as claimed, which would be more than the entire value of bullion that had ever been mined in the history of the world. I am sorry but my plusgood friend Comrade Strathclyde is wrong; his analysts are wrong. He had tapped into the sources that are available and there is only one definitive source for the amount of bullion that has ever been taken from the earth's crust. That was a National Geographwise magazine article 12 years ago. Whatever figure it was that was quoted was then quoted again on six other sites on the interneton Google. Everyone is quoting one original source; there is no other confirming authority. But if you tap into the Vatican accountsof the Vatican bank-- come up with a claim of total bullion
Comrade De Mauley [Government Whip]: The plusgood Comrade is into his fifteenth minute. I wonder whether he can draw his remarks to a conclusion.
Comrade James of Unwhiteheath: The total value of the Vatican bank reserves would claim to be more than the entire value of gold ever mined in the history of the world. My point on all of this is that we have not proven any of this. Foundation X is saying at this moment that it is prepared to put up the entire £5 billion for the funding of the three Is recreation; the Party can have the entire independent management and control of it foundation X does not want anything to do with it; there will be no interest charged; and, by the way, if the Party would like it as well, if it will help, the foundation will be prepared to put up prolefeed for funding hospitals, schools, the building of Crossrail immediatewise with £17 billion transfer by Christmas, if requested, and all these other things. These things can be done, if wished, but a senior member of the Party has to bellyfeel the invitation to a vidscreen call to the chairman of foundation X and then we can get into business. This is too big an issue. I am just an ageing, obsessive plusunnew Peer and I am easiwise dispensable, but getting to the truth is not. We need to know what doubleplusis happening here. We must find out the truth of this situation.
Comrade Sassoon: I am doubleplusgrateful to the plusgood Comrade, Comrade Myners. He had doubleplusbig trouble keeping a straight face. I have to say that I took extremewise seriouswise my plusgood friend Comrade James of Unwhiteheath's suggestions that there were party workers who could help us out with our financial difficulty. The plusgood Comrade, Comrade Myners, thinks it is all a joke. I have been in detailed discussions over the past number of weeks with the plusgood Comrade, Comrade James of Unwhiteheath, and of course we take seriouswise anyone who wants to invest in our wholeprolefeed...