Thursday, March 3, 2011

President holds 6-hour incoherent rant about conspiracies

After seeing the success of Gadaffi's technique two days ago, Barack Obama held a six hour press conference to incoherently recount conspiracy theories.

"There is no GOP, really" he began.

"There never was," he continued after half a minute of verbal inarticulations. "Al Qaida has been putting LSD in the water supply for the past one hundred fifty years," he explained.

After three minutes of stuttering, he added "Their guns are guns."

"That's why there were no protesters, the war on terrorism and the war on drugs" he continued.

Nearly three hours later, he began rambling about the flag. "There are fifty stars and thirteen stripes," he mumbled as the carefully selected audience (hands bloody from clapping) began chanting patriotic slogans and waving flags, as they had been instructed to do prior to the speech.

The president finished his speech with the statement: "I am not your president... I am simply your... president." He was led out by secret service agents, trailed by audience members who had not yet been paid.

A source in Washington explains that this move might be related to the recent changes to the budget, in which the allocation for speechwriting had been cut in half -- now down to only 23% of the total federal spending for 2011.

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